I AM ME!!!!

Okay, I didn't forget about you, but last week was very hectic. My daughter had pneumonia and I had to nurse her back to health. I'm learning so much about myself during this time. My core is the same but there are so many changes happening within and around me. First, I was raised by my parents to be very loving and caring. Second, I was also raised to be fearless and to fight for my dreams and beliefs. My mother taught me to be loving, patient, and kind amongst other things and my father taught me to brave and to know when to fight for what I want in life.

With this combination you have the wonderful makeup of the woman who is present today, which is ME! If I had a dime or a nickel every time someone told me how confident I am and they wish they could be this confident, I'd be a rich woman right now. I'm not being cocky but I am making a point, stick with me. You have to understand that though I openly discuss my insecurities with my body and my struggle with FOOD, I was taught to love myself regardless of what imperfections I may have. This was powerful for me but I didn't realize it until I was grown, exactly what my parents had instilled in me.

No one is perfect, at least no one I know. We all have things about ourselves that we want to change. However, I have more things about myself that I like than the things I don't. I AM ME.... Period. Wonderfully made and happy about who I've turned out to be and who I'm becoming. When I write I understand that I'm not writing just for myself, I'm writing for every other person who has experienced things that they want to change in their lives about themselves. The key to any change is first excepting the current things in your life and appreciating where you are.

As you know I have tried everything on the market, I'm almost like a Guinea pig lol. I have these hypnosis Cd's and in them the coach explains that you have to appreciate and love the body you are in because ultimately that is the same body you will be in when you do loose weight. You have to love all those curves and lumps lol. Now that was hard, because I have always looked at the changes I wanted rather than what I loved about my body. Changing the perception of my body has made the difference for me.  I love myself whether I'm tall or short and big or small. I AM ME!!!!

”I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” - Thomas Edison

Eating my stress!!!!!

Okay so yesterday I wasn't able to talk you all because my daughter is sick with pneumonia (insert sad face). She's doing a little better now. With that added stress and worry I think we all know what I turned to, yep that tasty demon; FOOD! I mean really Charmaine, here we go again. It wasn't horrible but I did eat some greasy fast food that I didn't need. I'm an emotional eater. With this blog I try to show how much of a struggle it is to conquer food addiction and weight loss.

Moving right along, I have to say that you are going to fall and hit bumps in the road because no one is perfect. You just have to want your dream or vision more than temporary desires. I want to inspire the world and change lives but I know I have to do that for myself first. There isn't always going to be a blueprint so sometimes we have to create our own structure and start from there.

I ate my stress yesterday and at the time it tasted soooo good. It wasn't until after I got done that I realized what I'm doing to body and health. Same story over and over and over again.

Anyway, I'm tired of even talking about it now. Let's change the tone somewhat. I'm a very independent person and I'm usually the last one who will ask anyone for anything and I've just learned over the past few months that life will put you in positions where you need to depend on others. It's very humbling but I have learned what my mother has told me for years and that is; you can't live in this world alone. So true, that's a wise woman. I just have so much love and concern for the people that have been there for me through the good and the bad. Life is no bed of roses but when you have great people around you lifting you up constantly it does make a huge difference.

I have the support and encouragement to conquer all obstacles in my life. The question is now will I actually use it.

Back By Popular Demand!!!!!

Okay, okay, okay. I know it's been months since I left you with a post. I'm back now!!!! With a little nudge from friend/sis we're back in business. Wow, so much has happened since I've been away. I first have to say thank you for the emails and the requests to start back blogging. It means more to me than you know. So thank you to my followers and the people that have been faithful to me. Just like usual I have a lot to say and yes, I still have the same struggle....OBESITY!!!!!!!!!! Yeah I'm yelling, because it would feel so good to have conquered this little demon by now. Life has so many different obstacles and challenges that we all have to face. You may not struggle with your weight but I'm sure you have something because we all do.

Life has truly humbled me and I've experienced so much that my emotions have been all over the place. You all know me I'm very candid and say exactly what I think especially when it pertains to me. If you have followed the blog you know that I'm an emotional eater. The greatest to the smallest thing can trigger these emotions and I'm back craving all that demonized delicious food lol. You all also know that I'm just a tiny little bit dramatic.

Here's today's story. I had an epiphany tonight. I want to live out loud and not be afraid of all the what ifs in life??? Why not just loose weight and go do the things you know will bring you fulfillment?? I wish it were that easy but I'm fighting again and it is definitely a FIGHT. So it's 8:15 p.m and I've already eaten dinner which was a chicken sandwich and I don't know why I thought that would satisfy me without any vegetables or sides. Anyhow, I got hungry (go figure) and I decided that the quickest thing to fix would be some popcorn shrimp. My taste buds were ready!! As soon as I picked up the bag that little loud voice said WAIT!!! Why not just eat some fruits and veggies? So without hesitations I'm eating the fruit and really enjoying it, but now I'm done and something in me although I'm not hungry, still wants that damn shrimp. Sorry to be so blunt but this is real!!

I immediately stopped to identify the emotions I was feeling that I had ignored as I normally do and I realized that at that very moment I felt lonely, unaccomplished, and a little depressed. WOW!! I hadn't even taken the time to completely identify what I was feeling. Immediately, I acknowledged those emotions and I regained control over myself. What a feeling, knowing that maybe with a little hard work and fight. I can conquer this monster that is trying to claim and steal my life.

No more hoping and wishing it's time for the hard facts and I'm facing them one meal at a time. I'm back and it feels good to live again. Breath by breath and meal by meal it's my time and I'm ready. The question is, is the world ready for me?? Ready or not here I come new and improved!!

DANGER!!!!!!

It's no secret that both of my parents are diabetics. My mother has had major problems with her eyesight as a result of this. On April 6th(Good Friday), she had an appointment with her eye doctor. The doctor's office is an hour away in Little Rock. The day started out great it was beautiful outside. To put the icing on the cake my mom got a great report that her eyes had shown improvement and were actually healing themselves. Wow!! No surgery!! This was such a blessing.

As we do all the time on these trips back home we were talking and laughing thanking God for His blessings. To paint the picture of what happened next I have to give you all of the information. Those of you from Arkansas know the drive from Little Rock to Arkadelphia on I-30. It's a two lane interstate. Well, I'm driving on the right side and on the left side a white truck is passing us. Now this truck is right by my drivers side door. Out of no where I feel a little bump of wind and it's a black car that had to be going at least a 100 mph pass in between us and the white truck. Logically there was no way to explain that car having enough room to fit through that tiny space.

Clearly, I'm stunned and so is my mother. That car could have easily hit us and had us in a ditch. My mother says call 911 but the car was no where to be found. So we continue to drive and about four miles up there the car was in a ditch flipped upside down. Debris was everywhere and traffic was at a stand still. I'm not sure if this individual was drunk or high. We never found out. I do know that I had just prayed for safety and protection over myself, family, and friends. I felt it so strong I even wrote it on my Facebook page while I was waiting on my mom.

People are always debating if God is still working miracles. I and my mother are living proof that yes HE is!! Like I said earlier logically the policeman that interviewed us said he just couldn't understand how first the car got through that narrow opening and second didn't hit us. I've never been that close to death but on that day something so spectacular happened that only God, my mother and I will ever fully understand. It was so powerful the protection that God had shielded us with. I cried the whole way home. Then got home and cried some more.

Everyday we make choices. Everyday we have to live with those choices. Danger is always all around us. Follow your gut feeling whatever it may be. This event definitely made me stop and think about the danger I put myself in everyday. Of course you know for me that danger is being overweight. As I reflect I see that my life has a strong purpose and so does yours. Not All-State, StateFarm, or GEICO can provide the coverage and safety that God has for all HIS children!!!

Fat & Fabulous= FATABULOUS!!!!!!!

Today I just feel ummmm... what's the word I'm looking for? FABULOUS!!! Sure, we could argue that I should feel like this everyday but hey I don't. Today I'm on top of the world and I couldn't feel any better. I got back on track from the last time we talked lol (insert side wink). It always changes my mood when I'm taking care of myself. Ladies, NEVER let anyone try to make you feel like you aren't the queen that you are! I know life can get hectic, trust me I'm the captain of team busy/hectic. If I went through a normal day's schedule you wouldn't believe it and I still take time to show you all some love! Yeah I'm tooting my own horn...Beep Beep! We have to sometimes and there is nothing wrong with realizing exactly how fabulous you are at ANY size.

You have to keep positive people around you and surround yourself with people who encourage and support you. That's one of the first keys to being fabulous. Don't have people around you who are constantly dragging your spirit down and have nothing positive to speak in your life. There are times where you have no other choice but to surround yourself with people who are like this and when it happens go in your zone and tune the negativity out. Being fabulous is not all about looks it's about a feeling. I've never waited for anyone to tell me that I was this or that. I simply know what I am for myself. I have a very positive self-esteem as you can see. Everyday I'm working on my fabulousness and yes I know that's not a real word lol! I think everyone is special and deserves to feel that they have purpose.

We have to strive for more and want more for our OWN lives, no one else can want it for you. I don't mind saying that I'm fat and being very boisterous with it. I have as of lately paid close attention to the facial reactions of people when they here me say I'm fat or something along those lines. I know exactly what I am the good and the bad. I just realize that when I do get to the size I want to be that I will still be in this same body just not as wide and heavy; but ultimately it's still me with the same skin. Why not completely love who I am now and after the transformation?

I believe you can be confident without being cocky or conceited. I don't think I'm any better than anyone else I just appreciate myself which sets the bar for others who are in my life. When you allow anyone to enter your life you have to know who you are and what you expect from them. We are all architects of our own character, I say build you exactly the way you see fit and just like any other structure, people who are really interesting in getting in will find a doorway or a window.

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon-Paul Brandt~~

It's Time!!!!

So I decided it's time. Time for what you might ask? Well it's time for a lot for me, but for starters it's time for me to move forward. I mean really let go of some negative people and things. By holding onto this negativity I've held myself back. You can never blame anyone but yourself for not moving forward. You know how I told you I was just stuck and afraid to fail so therefore I only did enough to get by. Change is not the easiest thing to handle. Sometimes I just feel alone. Alone to fight all these battles and conquer the world. I've armed myself with every tool I know so it's time to go out here and see what I'm capable of. The pains of life became too much for me to bare so I packed on the pounds so that I could hide from the world and ultimately myself.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself but sometimes I feel trapped by the poor decisions I made in the past and sometimes the present. I no longer want to be limited by my body or my thoughts of failure. The only failure I face now is the failure to not try. I used to be so worried about everyone not supporting me but as time has passed I've learned to be grateful for those that do and not worry about those that don't. Why wouldn't you want to see the next person succeed? What do you stand to gain in their failure? I know I'm cut from a different clothe and that doesn't mean I'm always right or perfect. I just recognize that the quickest way to be blessed in your own life is to first help someone else. Yes, I'm venting. I'm mad at myself for sabotaging my weightloss efforts and gaining 11 of those 30 pounds back. I'm disappointed also that there isn't enough support in "our community" for one another. Too much of the "crab" mentality. I'm not saying this applies to everyone I just want everyone, including myself to consider our actions and how we treat others.

Just like bugs at night that are drawn to the light I'm drawn to a higher calling and people that want something more in life and that have compassion and a willingness to help others. I'm done with foolishness, self-doubt, fear, and anything that inhibits me from living to my fullest potential. I want everyone to be successful if they are really trying, I want people to be more humane, I want to live in a society where people aren't killed for no apparent reason. Then, I realize that life is no fairytail and people including myself can only be who they truly are. We don't live in a perfect world or perfect bodies. We live with the opportunities that we create and the choices we make.

Success be it weight loss, career, family, or whatever you define success as is not given it is earned. I used to be so upset when I was told that I choose to be fat. Really? Yeah really! It's true, everyday that I choose not to eat right or exercise and care for my body I choose to be fat. It's a tough pill to swallow but I recognize that it's time to change again and I'm ready. I want more and you should too!!! It's time!!

I Know Exactly What I Want!!

I know I know, it's been over a week. Forgive me, things have been progressing really fast. There is a lot of growth happening in my life right now. I'm still battling back and forth with obesity but I've been winning more than loosing. I've decided that just like I wake up and brush my teeth and comb my hair or my wig (same difference, lmbo) I was going to start confirming everything God has promised me. You know how people say you stand on the word of God. Well just in case you may be a little confused, let me explain exactly what that means. Yeah we're going to church for a little while.

God is not a man that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Numbers 23:19. The way you stand on the word is by quoting the scriptures and offering the word back to God. Of course God knows HIS word, but do you? I wake up with a level of expectancy everyday! It's no different from our own children. As parents they expect us to feed them, provide shelter for them, clothe them, and if they are doing what we ask and sometimes beyond we reward them with the things they ask for. So their needs and some of their wants are met. The same is true for God and we are His children. Amen!!

Whew! Okay, now that I have that out of the way, I've learned to be very specific and not so vague with what I ask for. I remember when I was younger I would ask for a boyfriend and sure enough that's what I got just a boyfriend. Then I grew a little more and I would ask for a car. You guessed it, that's exactly what I got. Just a car, well a lemon actually lol. Now that I know how to pray more effectively I've seen a major difference in my life. God is the author and finisher of my faith. However, He gave us all free will. A will to hope, believe, and ask for whatever our hearts desire. I wish I could help everyone reach this level. It feels simply amazing to walk under this light. I'm living proof that size doesn't matter. Let who you are shine through even when you feel dark or disappointed. There is something about perseverance and knowing exactly what you want in life that will make all the difference in your world. Stay encouraged and know Rome wasn't built over night!