Day 1- My Forever Starts Today!!

Okay, it's day 1 for me. Day 1 of what you might ask? I've started my life style change again. Not just weight loss, this time I've added a few more dreams and desires to the list. I'm always getting ready to get ready. I'm the most prepared person you will meet. Picture this, it's race day and I'm a horse (lol, I know). I've trained for months for this day, jumping hurdles, long hours, and building my strength and speed. I'm prepared right? Sure I am. It's the big day and the gates open and I never leave out. I can see all the other horses racing out the gates and running around the track but, I'm still here. Why? Why didn't I leave? Why am I still here waiting like the gates never opened?

This is the story of my life. I've prepared and set myself up for so much in life but I never get out of the gate. I had to realize that I'm the reason that my success or happiness has been halted. What am I so afraid of? You can't really be successful being fearful. I mean sure, you can be a little nervous but fearful is in a category of it's own. I'm learning day by day to never hold onto anything, even my dreams. I know it sounds strange.  People, including me are always saying hold onto your dreams. The quickest way to get anything in life is to let it go. It does you no good to hold onto anything especially a dream or desire. So with this in mind I've released my dreams and deepest hearts desire to see what it can bring me in life. Am I scared? Sure I am, but with my knees shaking and hands sweaty lol, I'm going to live out my desires.

I've had to stop haphazardly waiting for blessings that I "thought" I wanted; to just happen. I had really convinced myself that I had done everything right. When really I haven't been real clear on what exactly I want or how to get it. I knew what it would feel like when I received it. I was sure of this. I knew that I wanted to be happy and spread the happiness with everyone I could. I knew all of this, but what was it that I wanted to do? What exactly was going to bring me this happiness, wealth, and joy I sought? I had no idea and this is what happens to us all. We have no clarity on the desires of our heart and it's not good enough to just connect with the emotion and not have a clear vision of exactly what it will take to bring it to fruition.

You have to take the time to ask yourself, what do I really want in life? Am I really happy? What can bring me happiness? How can I start today making these things happen? What will it take? I got my notepad out and started writing and I came up with a pretty impressive list. I marked out the things that didn't coincide with where I'm going now in my life and I kept the things that did. I just think it's the perfect season to live out your hearts desires and personally I'm not getting any younger.  I don't want to be anyone else but me, Charmaine. I just want what I want, not anyone else's vision for their life just mines.

Richard Koch wrote: “Everything you want should be yours: the type of work you want; the relationships you need; the social, mental, and aesthetic stimulation that will make you happy and fulfilled; the money you require for the lifestyle that is appropriate to you; and any requirement that you may (or may not) have for achievement or service to others. If you don’t aim for it all, you’ll never get it all. To aim for it requires that you know what you want”

I've made it my business to know exactly what I want out of life and what steps it will take to achieve these things. I'm just a vessel and when I write like this it frees me; because I know somebody will read this and will be inspired to change their own world. My final quote is from Michael Jordan: "I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost more than 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life... and that is why I succeed."

 My Day 1 to my forever started today and yours can too!! Just get out of the gate and don't be afraid to run. It doesn't matter what place you come in as long as you are running!!

Where is My Motivation??

Today I needed a chauffeur, maid, chef, life coach, and husband. LOL!! I'm too tired. I suck it up and get it done though. Somewhere in between all those hats I wore today, I just wanted to forget about my weight loss goals and dive in head first to my first love FOOD! I got so frustrated I almost cursed myself out, lmbo. Those of you who have ever been on a diet know that you go through mood swings and some days you just don't want to hear the voice of reason. Well, I had one of those moments with myself.

Here's how the conversation almost went:

Self: You know you want something real good to eat tonight I'm tired of eating all this damn healthy food.

Inner Self: Yes I know you are but it's already starting to get warm and you have all those maxi dresses that you ordered four sizes too small for motivation.

Self: I don't give a damn about a dress right now or no damn heat this summer! I want some cookies.

Inner Self: You say that now but if you eat a bunch of stuff you know you shouldn’t right now you will have remorse when you’re done. I’m just trying to look out for the big picture here and that’s weight loss. Just hang in there.

Self: You get on my nerves always wanting me to eat right. Some chips and cheese dip want hurt us. I promise to only eat a few.

Inner Self: When have you only been able to eat a few damn chips, now you about to make me mad.

Self: Calm down! I’m not used to you getting upset with me. I’m just saying a little won’t hurt.

Inner Self: Okay maybe you should let me steer this ship until you get a little stronger.

Self: Okay!

LMBO!!!!  Those of you who have struggled with weight know exactly what I mean. Those conversations are real you have when breaking old habits. I won this battle and I will continue to win the ultimate battle of weight loss. I don’t know what about this time has been so different for me, maybe it’s the new opportunities that are opening up for me or could be that maybe just maybe I’m tired. Tired of being in a body I no longer recognize. I have too much to still accomplish to be plagued by something that I have control over. It’s in my blood to fight for a better life and greater possibilities. Stay motivated and encouraged it does get easier we just have to get through the rough patches. I have some motivating factors and I’ve created a vision board which helps me a lot. Nothing unrealistic but definitely worth the fight!

I'm Allergic to Morons!!!!

Most of you may not understand this post. Well, maybe you will because you may fit into one the roles, but I have to talk to my plus size women real quick because they will identify a little better. From my personal perspective I'm used to dating very handsome men, studs lol. Now, I am by no means bragging or judging anybody’s character based on their looks, but if you read further you will see where I'm going with this. I have since the beginning of my dating experience had females sometimes openly but mainly behind my back to others question; why the man I'm with would want a beautiful, intelligent, hard-working, charismatic, and outgoing woman who happens to very voluptuous and round.

                     

I know you all like how I did that (insert a side wink). I mean really, I feel it's my duty to help everyone out in this situation. Get ready to learn. I'm definitely a work in progress and it has truly been a journey for me. I was so close to making love to a double cheeseburger last night but I know that will not help my ultimate goal. I'm focused this time. I will soon be putting up tips and other things that are helping me just stay tuned. 

Okay back to these morons. Any individual has the right to choose who they won't to be with. Am I right? Well why is it such a shock that a good intelligent woman would snag an equally intelligent man who happens to look like he stepped out of a billboard sign? LOL, I'm exaggerating a little but you get the point (insert raised eyebrow). Stay in your lane and quit driving in mines. I know how to drive this racecar! Don't act like you've never seen an odd couple (drops the mic, I'm done lmbo).

Don't be a moron it stinks and I'm highly contagious. Seriously, it's best to be careful how you judge people and with me being a person who has been judged my whole life, I've taken my time to be more considerate of others. I by no means am perfect and I've been guilty of the same behavior. You all know I'm real and very candid. I’m glad that I’m able to see people and not always their circumstance. Jealousy is such an ugly trait and it doesn’t look good on me. I’m fat not blind! I see you whispering, but in my “Lil Wayne” voice “I’m Ray Charles to the B.S. So I put my big girl panties on (in more ways than one) and I put that smile on and give a little wink. I’m me, get over it and insert a side wink, lol!!!

The Rainbow!!!

Please forgive me. I know it's been a week since I last posted and for that I apologize. I have been very very busy, but I'm bacccccckk ( in my most annoying voice) lol.

Let me take this time to say thank you to Sherri Shepard for following and tweeting my blog. For those of you who don't know who Sherri is, you can find her every morning on "The View" as a co-host. Sherri, your support is greatly appreciated. To all my followers and readers in China, Africa, and across the globe thank you for taking the time to read and follow the blog. It truly means a lot to me!!

Now, let's get down to business. I will try to keep this short and not too long ( insert side wink). I've gone over it a million times and back whether I'm making the right decisions or if my expectations are too high. I've decided that I'm right on course and in fact have been selling my self short a little. I have heard a lot of people say that I'm too positive. Really?? Is there such a thing? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm very realistic but I know who I am and I know what I've been promised in this world. Now, with that being said no being has blocked any blessings from me but ME. I've stood in the way of a lot of promises and now that I'm slowly sliding out of the way, I'm seeing very clearly now that the goals that I had set for my life back in High School nearly 15 years ago are now being recognized.

Surprise Surprise, I'm finally at place that I was at years ago when I was too young not to dream. I think the older we become the less we are willing to dream and believe in the impossibilities of life. I had a really good friend of mines who with his permission has allowed me to share a brief conversation He and I had recently. As you all know I've started living outside the box again, taking risks, and breaking down the barriers of obesity within myself. I never knew that this would motivate so many people who don't have issues with weight. In a conversation with my friend, he was congratulating me on taking the first steps to improve my life and live out my dreams. He also informed me that by reading my blogs and book that he too started to go back and realize some of his life long dreams. He currently works as a Engineer for a major corporation and he makes a substantial amount of money. One of his dreams has been to be an Actor. With a little encouragement he finally took my advice and auditioned for several roles. Four weeks later with frustration starting to set in, he has landed his first walk on role on television (insert tears). I can not be happier for him!!

I told you all this story, because I too want to encourage you to dream again, step out on faith, and believe in the impossible. We had some major storms here recently but right after one in particular the sun started to peek out just a tiny bit and there it was. The Rainbow, so clear and beautiful and I felt that God had opened up the Heaven's just so I could experience and enjoy it. Sure I've seen Rainbows before but, there was something special about this one. Those of you who read the bible know the story of Noah's Ark, well God's promise to man not to ever destroy the world with rain again was sealed with a Rainbow.

So whenever I see a Rainbow it symbolizes God's promises to me. It heightened my awareness that after every storm no matter how many years you have to endure and go through it there is always a Rainbow or light at the end of the storm. I'm grateful for my Rainbow, but if I had not been outside to see it I would have missed it. You may not have gotten that. Let me break it down. See, we have many blessings that are right in front of us but we have to put ourselves in the position to receive them. Sometimes it's as simple as walking outside and looking up! I'm a dreamer and that's just me, simple and plain. What you do with your life is all in your hands. Step out and look up!!

Sleeping Beauty!!

Wow!! I've had so many epiphanies this week already I'm just trying to keep up with myself, lol.  It feels like I've been sleeping for the last 8 1/2 years. I feel alive again. Picture this; you know when someone is grasping for air and they are finally able to get enough wind in their lungs so they suck that air in and breathe again, That's Me right now!!

No I didn't prick my finger on a spinning wheel lol, but I had allowed life to take every bit of sunshine I had in me away. Every year it felt like I was getting beat up over and over again. Nothing was going right. Two steps forward and ten back. Pound after pound being added to my body. I shut down. I was going through the motions of life almost like a wave, wherever it took me that's where I was going. No paddle in my hands just drifting. Doing what I had to do, work, taking care of my daughter, parents, and friends. Everyone but me. I didn't want to really talk to anyone. I was closed in and short. On the surface you would have never known. Hell, quite honestly I didn't even know. It wasn't until my mother who has a Master's in Counseling said to me; you are depressed. Depressed!!! Who? Me? Naw, not I lol. The truth is, I was.

Saddened by the cards I felt life had dealt me. Starting from a broken marriage and the reality of realizing you married the wrong man. Only to find out a few years later that even that pain couldn't match the death of losing a best friend. Not just a friend, but Te'Aisha could tell you what I was thinking from the way I looked lol and vice versa. I was angry, hurt, bitter, devastated, and every other word that matches the feelings of death and abandonment. She was gone (insert a few tears), but then I thought how can I honor her in my life? The only thing I could think of, was LIVE.

It still took me another 5 long years to get to where I am now. I'm no longer looking at the time it took to get here, I'm just glad I made it!! I Made It!!! I can't fully illustrate what it feels like to breathe again when you have purposely made yourself invisible. I cut my own windpipe, I'll admit it now (not literally I was depressed not suicidal). That's why perception and perspective is such a big deal to me. I've travelled on the bus to hell and didn't realize I gave the devil the key. I didn't knowingly do this. I just thought it was a part of life but I have slowly started taking my life back realizing that God gave me the strength and power to overcome every demon in my life. No weapon formed against me will EVER prosper!! Now go back and read that sentence again and this time say it out loud and mean it.

I've grown spiritually and I know how to speak life into dead situations now. I've learned my strength and I've found my courage. I'm letting go of the pounds that life's destruction had added to me (I allowed it). I'm a new creature and you will soon see that but until then it doesn't have to be weight it could be anything you are facing. Those situations are small compared to the strength that you have within you. Never allow life to steal and rob from you your dreams and aspirations!! I've found my wind again and don't plan on ever letting it go! To infinity and beyond (In my Buzz Lightyear voice)!!!! :)

Change Gone Come!

One of my favorite oldies but goodies is Sam Cooke's "A Change Gonna Come". What is change? Well Webster dictionary gives many definitions of change. The one that I liked the most was, "To become radically different." Every day for me right now is a new awakening. What will it take to make you truly happy? Is it realistic? Are you challenging yourself to do more, be more, and aspire for more? These are my daily questions to myself. I want my life to be an example. An example of what care and love of yourself and others can give you.

I'm inspired and motivated to see what the future holds and for me I'm glad we still live in a world where it's okay to dream. I know what it will take for me to start to see change in my life. It wasn’t always easy for me but I have realized that I deserve all things good and instead of waiting for these things to “just” happen, I’m taking charge and putting in place the first steps. After all that’s all God said we had to do. Step out on faith and chase not run after what you want in life. The one thing that always held me back was fear. It’s ultimately the reason why I put on so much weight. Fear of so many things. Like not being good enough and failing. What if I just didn’t have what it takes?

Now I’ve let go of the fear and for the first time I feel like I’m soaring! It’s amazing how we all block so many of our own blessings by not being willing to at least try. I don’t care now if I fail, well not like I used to (insert side wink) lol. No one likes failing but I’d rather fail now, than to have never tried. I’m done with should of, could of, and would of, of life. How bad do you want it Charmaine? A change gonna come. Sure it’s bad English, but it’s real. Change is inevitable and I’d like to think I have a part in the positive changes in my life and rather than sit on the sidelines of life waiting for the coach to put me in the game, I’m putting myself in. No tag you’re it. I just decided to be a part of my own life and create some of the circumstances I want.

The last verse of Sam Cooke’s song is:

“There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will”

Change is going to happen, but you are the captain of the ship. Steer it in the direction you want!

Trapped!

Today is a blah day for me. It seems lately I've been on an emotional roller coaster. Up, then down and sometimes somewhere in between. I feel trapped! Trapped in a body I know longer recognize, trapped in a town that has no purpose for me, and trapped by my feelings of inadequateness. LOL, I know I'm deep today. This bog is like my open diary. Can you identify? Have you ever felt trapped? 

Explore with me for a minute and let's dissect why I feel trapped. Ever felt like you were on the verge of something phenomenal and life altering; but you weren't quite sure exactly what it is? That's where I am now. Trapped. LOL, at this point I know you are like, if she says "trapped" one more time! I'll try not too.

Life has many doorways and I tell people all the time there is more than one way to do or see anything. I'm all about self motivation and turning negative emotions into tools that can create the life we all desire. Even as I write this, my mood and emotions are changing. You can have those feelings of seclusion, uncertainty, and abandonment but never own it! I never take full ownership of things that don't help or encouragement me and you shouldn't either. We all have things that we are working to improve and sometimes those goals get the best of us. For me, I'm always looking at the bottom line or the finish goal. I'm learning to just focus on the now and not worry about the outcome until it gets here. I'm trying to cross each bridge individually.

God never promised us that it would be easy but it will be worth it. Worth the tears, worth the effort, worth the sweat (insert side eye), and finally worth the life we dream of! We all get down, but how do you turn that around? You turn that negative energy into motivation. Motivation to go get the things you want and desire out of life. Now, I'm really trapped. Trapped by motivation, inspiration, and a need to help and encourage you all! Who said the sky is the limit? I'm shooting towards the moon!!!