Exercise Maine's Way!! Am I Crazy? LOL!

Today's blog will probably make you scream in laughter, so I have to first say you are welcome for this gut buster. So if you didn't know by now I'm just a little.....tiny bit crazy, LOL. I have to stop telling on myself like this, but oh well. So for me losing weight and exercise is a mental thing. I have to get past so many different road blocks in my head. I realized just how bad it had gotten the other day when I decided to workout. I hate to go walking because I like to stay close to a bench or somewhere I can sit if I get tired LOL. I know it defeats the purpose but HEY, it is what it is LOL.

My fear is that I will get too far from home and won't be able to get back just out of pure exhaustion LOL! So I was at the doctor with my dad and I knew we were going to be there for a while and right across from where I was parked was a gym and a walking trail. After sitting there for what seemed like forever watching everyone else walk on this trail I said to myself; self get up and go for a little walk. I immediately decided that it would just be best to watch everyone else, LMBO!!! In all fairness I didn’t know how long the trail was and where I was parked I could not see it. There was no way in hell I was going to start walking and not see a bench, some kind of chair, tree stump, or something to just sit on! LMBO!!

So I’m thinking, you can’t just sit here, do something! This is when I decided to just walk around my truck LMBO! Listen, I know it’s crazy but if I got tired at least I could just jump back in the truck. Not only that I walked around that truck in a circle for almost 30 minutes, LOL! I’m very proud of myself. Were people staring? Of course they were! Did I care? Ummm..let me think, NO! I even had one man ask me was I okay? After explaining to him what I was doing and why we both had a good laugh and he said well that’s not a bad idea.

At the end of the day you have to do what’s best for you. I don’t conform to the ideas of what “society” deems normal or standard. I do me! You have to be willing to do the same. Sure, I plan to be able to get past this mental road block soon, but until then whatever it takes for ME, that’s exactly what I plan to do. Am I a little insane? Sure I am, but more importantly I recognize it and
I’m working on it! LOL. Never be afraid to step out and be different. Be you, because everyone else is taken!

So, I'm Not Superwoman??

Today I had an epiphany, maybe this S I had painted on my chest and the invisible cape I've been wearing isn't real. Could it be that I'm not Superwoman? I mean, you can imagine my shock to find out I'm not some superhero! LOL, but seriously I finally realized that maybe I have too much on plate. What do I let go of? How do I make time for me when my schedule is so demanding? How can I focus on myself when so many people need me? These are all questions that I had today.

I stopped and collected myself and then realized that I had to let something go and I had to gain something else and that's peace of mind. Sometimes in life we have hard decisions to make. If we don't take care of ourselves how can we be any good to anyone else? I'm doing me, for the first time in my life. Not worried about anyone else's opinion or what they have to say. Just me! Me, me, me, me! I know it sounds selfish huh? Well, at this point in my life I deserve it. The funny thing is that even when I get to this point, I'm still not totally focusing on myself but boy it sure sounds good, lol!

I've learned to find the balance of life. Everyday is a new lesson for me. I'm constantly growing and experiencing new things about myself and the world around me. No, I'm not superwoman. Although, sometimes I take on that role. Today, I quietly hung up my cape and put on my jeans. I'm human, simple and plain. I'm marching to the beat of my own drum and I like the way the rhythm feels!! You should try it!

UUUHHH!! They Just Don't Get It!! :(

Today the last thing I wanted to do was lose weight and I didn't even think about it. Uhhhhh, is the only way I could effectively describe my frustration. So all of those negative emotions of "why me" set in and before I knew it, I was throwing one of those pity parties lol. The hardest thing that I have found on this journey and this is so shocking for most people to believe, is eating more to lose weight. Really, whoever wrote the rules for weight loss I need to talk to them (insert side eye). It's true though, the best way to lose weight is to eat six small meals a day. So after being tired of trying, I indulged myself with a few chocolate chip cookies and a milkshake. I could almost hear the angels singing it tasted so good. Remember, I told you that food and I had a love affair, well the flame was sparked again during that great indulgence.

Then something hit me!!! Oh No!!! Somewhere between those last few sips something went off in my brain. I heard that little voice, that was like "oh no girl what did you just do?" Like I said before it's okay in moderation, but for me this little slip could have sent me back over the edge. Food is the worst addiction in my opinion. Alcoholics don't have to have alcohol to live but you have to eat to keep on breathing lol. I'm okay now, because I've learned that one little slip doesn't mean that I have to keep driving off the cliff. I know now to just back the car up and get back on track and that's exactly what I did.

I have an array of friends and I love them all. In a conversation with one friend (who has never seen a size 6 in her life lol). I mean she has always been a size 2.  I was explaining the ups and downs, the mood swings you experience, and hell quite honestly the withdrawals you go through. Here comes the, "did she just say that" moment. She said I don't understand why you just don't lose the weight and be done with it. LMBO!! I hollered, sorry it was too funny to me, because I realized she just didn't get it. You can't explain what it's like to be blind if you've never been blind!! After explaining to her what it's like by giving her some examples of trials she's had to face, she completely identified then. Education is the key and I'm the lock. I'm armed and equipped with all the tools to teach and change the minds of so many about a disease they clearly know nothing about. Some people just don't get it!!

The morale of the story doesn't just apply to weight loss, it applies to all areas of life. You can fall, but while you are down there don't make a bed and get comfortable. Dust yourself off and get up and try again!! That's how you win in life!!

Misconceptions!!! Did he just say that?!?

This a PSA: Overweight, plus size, big-boned(lol had to put that one in there) or fat does not = DESPERATE!!! This is becoming an epidemic people lmbo.  I mean if you see me somewhere and you can see the sign on my forehead that reads; please if you have no job, stay with your best friends cousins uncle lol, have no means of transportation, can't talk in complete sentences, and finally expects me to pick you up when we go out. Please and I do mean please come by and slap me and take the sign off! I will completely understand if you explain yourself first, this is very important because I have serious reflexes lmbo.

Here lately I have been emitting the wrong vibes out into the universe, this has to be the problem. I actually had a conversation with a guy today who after I completely shut him down was appalled that I didn't want to be bothered by his ridiculous antics. I guess he was appalled because me, being clearly overweight should be happy that anyone is wanting to be with me, lol this was too funny.  However, the conversation turned more serious when he had a couple of questions to ask me. First, he wanted to know was I seeing anyone else, because surely if I didn't want his sorry behind then I must be with someone (insert side eye here) lol. Finally, what should have been the first question he asked me was, why I don't want to at least give him a try. I kindly told him because two years from now after he's fallen madly in love with me, I don't want to be in divorce court again. LMBO!!! All he could do was laugh and say okay.

I've settled before and I think we all have at some point. I'm divorced, but I married the wrong man because I had convinced myself that no one else would love me like him. Wrong. I was young and didn't really know what I was doing I only thought I did, but I learned a lot from that situation and that is always and I do mean always go with your gut feeling. I knew deep down that he wasn't the man for me and after being in an abusive and adulterous marriage I realized then, I have to trust my instincts more.

Okay moving right along. One tip for the BG's (Big Girls) I actually had shirts made in college that said the BG's lol. Okay, back to the advice: If a man says that he only dates big girls, run like hell! I have always been leery of people who are so closed minded, because in my personal opinion when I hear this the red flags go up. There is some insecurity somewhere and some men date big girls because they feel they won't leave them or no one else wants them, so they have a little puppet. Now, in all fairness I have met some men where they are just attracted to larger women and hey I can't judge, cause you like what you like (insert side wink).  :)!

I am by no means rude or too picky but I know my worth and that doesn't matter if I was skinny, thick, or somewhere in between. Knowing what you offer and not being willing to settle is one way you love yourself. I love me too much to constantly compromise and give up on what I want in life because of some fat and extra weight. I'm not materialistic and yes I have dated the fry cook at some fast food restaurants so that doesn't matter either, well (clears throat) you know what I mean lol.  I'm thoroughly convinced that the man that God has ordained for me is somewhere patiently waiting on me as well. Until he gets here, I have no problem with telling Mr. Wrong that I don't need his time because I'm not lonely or desperate. We don't have to settle because we're fat, it's all just a misconception!

Who Have You Inspired?!?

There is so much happening in our world today. So many people experiencing so much tragedy, struggle, and strife. I'm very sensitive to the needs and feelings of others so I find myself praying a lot. However, this has also heightened my awareness to the small but powerful blessings and miracles that I see and experience everyday. Angels show up in the strangest places sometimes. Today I was fortunate enough to take my dad to the doctor. While I was there waiting for him to finish up, a very nice elderly man sat next to me and started a conversation.

About an hour had passed and we were still waiting, he was waiting on his wife and I was waiting on my dad. Somewhere after me learning his family history and about his children and grand kids he said something to me that I will carry forever.  He leaned over and said God sees you and what you are doing. I was taken back for a moment not sure what he was actually saying. Then he said you will be blessed. Sure, I've had people tell me this before but not like this. What was it about this man who so easily opened his world up to me, a stranger? I got up to see if my dad was ready and just like that he was gone.

Yes, his wife could have been ready and they left without me noticing, is it possible? Sure, but highly unlikely. What am I suggesting? That when we allow ourselves to open up our world to new people and experiences sometimes that's all that is needed for us to blessed emotionally and spiritually. I've learned so much about life this way and how to find the smallest thing and be grateful for that.

Today I didn't feel fat, I felt free. Free to dream, free to believe that I can have whatever and be whatever, free to experience life, and free to love and be loved!! I open up my world to people everyday so that I'm not the only one experiencing this freedom and joy! So many people have asked me what is the meaning of love. I can only offer my definition. Love is the selfless act of putting someone Else's needs, feelings, and well-being before your own. Love to me, is pure and selfless. So my questions to you are; who are you loving today and whose life have you touched on this journey? Just food for thought. You will be amazed at how easy it is to inspire or spark life in someones situation. :)

The Sugar Demons!!!

So I'm thoroughly convinced that sugar comes from the devil himself and all the cakes, cheesecakes, cookies, pies and candy are his minions. LMBO, but seriously I would have to say that is my biggest weakness. You can have all the other extra stuff but put some cheesecake in front of me and it's pretty much a wrap.

LOL, food and I used to have a love affair, a very deep relationship. Why do we identify with the things that cause us harm?  Well, it's no different from people who are abused and how they continue to find themselves in abusive relationships. You have to identify why the things that are bad for you feel good, cozy, and comfortable to you. For me, I'm a self-identified emotional eater. So I can be happy, mad, sad, angry, or anxious and I eat. Normally it's something sweet when I'm bored or angry and I'm bored most of the time, so what does this tell you? Yep, you guessed it, I keep something sweet on deck.

I am learning how to replace that need for sweets with some sugar free snacks. I've had to find other activities that take my focus off those cravings. People say it's okay in moderation but when you are first starting out, I think for me it's best that I just skip it completely. Why, you may ask? Well, would you bring crack around a crackhead (again no offense to anyone on drugs) NO you wouldn't; therefore it's best that I just stay away until I get this demon under control lol.

I feel like Kevin Hart, laugh at my pain. I've learned to find light in dark places. Life wasn't made to be perfect and none of us are. It's all about your perception to certain things. I don't care if you are skinny, fat, tall, short, or somewhere in between we all have something. The difference is when you are overweight people can see your something a little better. I'm creating the life I want. God gave us the canvas, paint, and brush.  The question is now, what are you going to draw?

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and Diabetes!

Like I said before not everything in this blog will be about me being fat and today is one of those days. I guess for you to fully understand this blog post I have to give you a little back ground information. Diabetes runs on both sides of my family and while I am obese I have been blessed so far not to develop the disease. However, both of my parents are serious diabetics and I've watched it slowly take its toll on their bodies. So a day to day basis pretty much consists of me caring for my parents, working, and raising my daughter. LOL, I'm tired just typing it all! My father is a bilateral amputee (no legs) and is on dialysis. My mother has all her limbs but her mobility and eyesight have slowly declined. Okay, so where am I going with this....you will see.

I'm a night owl naturally so a typical bedtime for me is around 1:00 a.m, no matter what lol. It just so happened last night I was a little tired and went to bed around 10:30 p.m. Around 12:45 a.m I get a call on my cell phone and it's my mom saying she needs to go the emergency room. I've gotten enough of these calls in the past to know not to panic. So I jump up and spring into action. She hadn't been feeling good for like a week and we had been to the doctor for antibiotics and such. So we get to the E.R and she just had a little too much fluid on her body so two hours later and a few lasix and she was feeling better. Still recovering from Shingles though. Shingles is almost like chickenpox but more painful and only affects a small portion of the body and isn't contagious unless you get that blister juice on ya lmbo.

So we finally make it back home around 3:30 a.m and I'm tired, but functioning. It wouldn't be so bad but dad has dialysis at 6:15 a.m three days a week and this just happens to be the morning he has it lol. So up and at em' I go again back and forth. It's like they play tag sometimes lol. I love them both and I'm really glad that I'm in the position to care for them. Do I get tired heck Yes!!! Is it worth the effort Hell Yes!! LOL!

I said today wouldn't be about me being fat. I Lied!! With all that I have seen my parents endure you would think that would be enough for me to say the Hell with bad eating habits and hello to a healthy lifestyle. Here comes my moment of truth: "Hello my name is Charmaine and I'm addicted to food. There I said it. Do I feel good about it NO, do I want to change YES, am I making changes Absolutely. For the first time in my life, I'm holding myself accountable for my poor eating habits and I'm taking back what I gave away and that's my life! Stay tuned there is more to come!

Let the Saga Begin!!

So I've mulled it over in my head many times whether this should be a book or blog. So here we are, let my therapy session start. I've always said that for me the greatest expression of healing is writing. Although, I must say anyone who knows me, knows that I love to talk! This blog won't be all about me being fat. It's about my interpretation to life and how I see things. This is my journey, my story, my struggle, and ultimately my triumph. Memoirs of a fat chick is about my life past, present, and future. I want to tell my story in hopes that someone who reads it will find inspiration.

Okay so where do I start. From my earliest memory I was "different" lol. Yes I have a sense of humor that you will see from time to time. I remember being in Kindergarten and although I wasn't fat then I was definitely the tallest in my class and boy did those kids make me pay for it. Taunting and making me feel like a circus freak( no offense to the circus people :) and to no avail I would go home crying to my mom everyday. My mom is one of those superwomen and not because she's my mom and I love her but because even to this day I can't match her parental skills. She juggled a full-time job, husband, and three kids with so much grace and skill. Okay so back to my point, my mom worked as a librarian at the time and she would always bring me material to read about self-esteem and how to get through the rough patches. I was only five but wise beyond my years and it stuck with me. This is where I learned to love myself no matter what ANYBODY thought, simply put I was me and if you didn't like me that was your problem not mines.

Needless to say I became a little too comfortable with myself lol. I continued to grow up and out. I've always been plus size. In all fairness what they consider thick now I was that in the 8th grade but back in 94-95 that was fat. The teasing was real in Junior High then too, but by this time my mom had conditioned me so that I knew what peer pressure was and I was sure of who I was. I had plenty of friends growing up and although I wasn't the "it" girl I was friends with them lol. God blessed me in that way and I had really great friends in my life who didn't care about the extra weight I was packing or what taunts I may have received.

Now by all means let me say this, I never had a problem dating. I had and have the same problem a lot of girls and women have and that's finding the "Right" guy for me. Yes, I was and am fat lol. Something I can definitely smile about now, but it wasn't like the experience that others may have had, men have always found me attractive but whether I should have dated some I'm not sure about that ;). It's all a matter of preference. This blog is about being you and being happy in the skin you are in. I'm definitely not promoting obesity because I'm currently working on resolving my issues with weight. This is my journey to change my life and offer hope to yours.

I learned a long time ago to be happy with where I am and if I'm not happy then do something about it. That is where I am in life. I want to see changes for a better life for myself, my daughter, my entire family and finally for YOU. Though it will be funny at times these stories that you read about my journey are real. This is Memoirs of a Fat Chick get ready to learn, laugh, cry, and experience life with me!!!